If Akin could feed me Ice Cream every single day, I’m sure he would. A few months ago, when we had just started dating, he would complain about my irregular eating habits. I ate based on how I felt— too much food today, too little yesterday, some funny and weird combos on other days. There were days when I couldn’t get myself to eat food so I’d take just juice. Coconut and Pineapple juice were my favourite. But Ice cream was a forever staple. There was hardly a time when I couldn’t fit in a cold cup of creamy goodness. Most days, I loved me an ice cream cone with a plain vanilla, chocolate or strawberry flavour. Other days, cookies and cream would be perfect with some waffle and brownie mix-ins.
On crazy days and whenever there were crazy happenings, one thing always worked— Food. Talking hardly made me feel better. If anything, it left me feeling exposed and vulnerable, beating myself up for saying too much. Giving too much information was a sin my heart hardly forgave me for. Stress eating had it’s downsides and being a foodie wasn’t as cute or as harmless as it seemed. Many times when we get attached to seemingly non-toxic things like coffee, novels, a particular web series, Coke, Ice-Cream and other things like that— we tend to take it lightly. We don’t call it an addiction because it’s not sex or weed or porn or alcohol. But if a certain brother drowns himself in alcohol to forget his worries and I sit on my bed, knees drawn to my chest under my duvet filling my tummy with a bowl of ice cream to calm the storm raging in my chest—what makes us any different?
So, every time I went on a fast, I’d feel myself withdraw from the idea of food. I’d start to eat it only because it was necessary. Not necessarily because of a craving as I usually did. It didn’t take long to realize what the issue was— Food should not be a hiding place and God’s child should not be controlled by cravings. I needed to learn that dark days should be remedied with more prayer, more dwelling on God’s word. Not running into food. This was a lesson I often forgot. Stressful days, hard days, difficult days , often translated into a lot of junk food. It provided temporary happiness, a high that some people seek for in drugs and alcohol. Take your burdens to God, not a substance or liquid or habit. Not food.
For me, it was easy to get by because I’d still pray. Later. And light would come, and peace and relief. But first things should always come first. This is a summary of the first issue Akin and I had on that Sunday Afternoon. He had gotten used to getting me Ice Cream to make me happy when I felt sad. It worked every time so he stopped complaining about my eating habits. Seeing me happy was enough for him. But this particular day was different. I had just finished a three day fast, drinking just water from time to time. On Saturday night, I had fruits and some yoghurt to break the fast but that was all I could eat. I didn’t feel eager to get back to all my favourite foods. God was sending me a reminder again to put food in its rightful place. To not allow myself be controlled by cravings. To not bury myself in food when I felt pain or hurt or had difficult days. And this time, I was going to listen. I made up my mind not to jump into eating until I had a clear plan. So, I drafted a time table with a couple of allowances for the junk I liked in moderation. This afternoon was for Rice and Chicken stew but my appetite was still not back and Akin was getting angry.
“I’ll branch at the supermarket to get you some ice cream. What flavor would you like?”
“I don’t want ice cream.”
“Then what do you want? Cake? Pizza?”
“I don’t want anything.”
“Babe, I’m really getting pissed right now. You’ve barely eaten anything in four days. You said you were done with the fast yesterday. Did you change your mind?”
“No. I really don’t have appetite at the moment and I’m trying to work on my eating habits.”
He’s silent for a while. Most likely trying to plan his words well.
“Okay. What’s your plan?”
“I drew up a time table.”
“That sounds good. What’s on it for this afternoon?”
“Rice and Chicken Stew.”
“Good. So, I’ll branch at the Buka and we can get some. You have to try to eat a little. Is that okay? Don’t say no please.”
“Okay.... Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Is there anything else bothering you? You’re very quiet.”
“No... I’m just tired.”
“Pele baby. We’ll soon be at your place.”
“Are you sleeping over today?”
“Nope..”
Sigh. I always want to either sleep over or have him sleep over but he always insists otherwise. And sincerely, I’m getting to the point where I’m going to have to object to his decision. After all, it’s the two of us in this relationship and my say matters too.
“Why? Why? Why can’t we have a whole night to ourselves?”
“To do what?”
Why is his voice so calm? I want to fight.
“To chill and watch movies and just play and cuddle and talk. Is that too much to ask?”
“Baby, I’m not going to cuddle you. There’s no need to dance in the rain when we don’t want to get wet.”
“But I want you to hold me. I’m not asking for a kiss or anything outrageous. And, as a matter of fact, I don’t even see anything wrong with us kissing.”
“Of course I can hold you but I’m not going to cuddle you. I hug you every time, I put my arms around you, you always glue your head to my chest. I’m not giving you anything more than that. And I’m not going to make the mistake of kissing you again. We still have five hours before I leave by 7, and I can extend it till 8 for you.”
“Kissing me was a mistake?! Are you kidding right now?!”
“Babe, I’m not fighting with you. We have boundaries we need to keep in place. And I know you didn’t like the whole kissing idea from the start and I was the one who initiated it but I already told you how I feel about it now. We can’t afford to put ourselves in that situation again.”
“But I really liked it...”
“I liked it too but it was a whole lot. We can’t afford to make it a regular thing babe. We’ll fall. Sometimes I remember how heady it felt to have you in my arms that close and intimate. You practically melted in my arms, I felt all your reluctance dissolve. My whole body was on fire and I had to stop because I was scared of what could happen. If I had taken things further, you wouldn’t have been able to stop me. You were weak. It’s best we just avoid it.”
“Okayy... We can just kiss once in a while. It doesn’t have to be everytime.”
“Babe, the next time I’m kissing you is the day I propose to you in front of all our friends. After that, till our wedding day. I love you, I love what we have and I’m going to protect it. Folarin and I are keeping ourselves accountable.”
Folarin is his best friend who is also in a relationship. I’m too pained to say anything and tears are stinging my eyes. I know he’s right but I’m still pained. He just keeps glancing at me till he finally speaks.
“Babe, I’m sorry but I know that you know it’s for the best. We can plan joint sleep overs with the gang. That’ll be much safer.”
“Okay.”
See Padlock outside the gate. This security man has gone to watch football again. I have to alight from the car to open the gate. As I open the gate, I’m thinking about how Akin is right. I’m reminded that I chose well and inspite of my feelings and cravings, I have to choose to be a daughter of Zion in this relationship. Two children of God in love, we’ve found something beautiful and we have to keep it pure. This girl, it’s love you’re supposed to be loving not doing bad tins.
And I find myself conflicted like this many times. Sometimes it’s the songs to listen or dance to, movies to watch and movie scenes to skip, books to read. Most times, it’s dress options— I like short clothes, I like to lower the neckline a little. I like crop tops—show a little belly. Some skin tight jeans and fitted dresses to show these hips and bum God blessed me with. Shorts and slits to show off my legs. But I know I have to remember that it’s Tope, the woman of God who must walk through the streets.
When I face a conflict of desires, Let Jesus always come first.
Yours,
A Girl Like You.
Thank you
It's the woman of God that must walk through the streets.
This is such an enjoyable read. Thanks for writing it, Tope.